| ways to make money... |
[06 Feb 2008|12:09am] |
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so I am movingto hawaii in Sept. I need ways to make money besides the get a job...Heh any ideas?
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| dreams |
[13 Jan 2008|11:05am] |
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mood |
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After I woke up today I wonder what tothink about dreams. I mean I'm not in the worst of conditions and there are many many people far of than me but it makes me wonder. Why do we dream. Sometime I wake up and think what the hell my dream life is so much better. I swear my mind makes me think I'm in a movie some times. I honestly think I have a secound life. I think so much clearer and am so much more happier. My secound life just seems to haveso much more fun and it's amazing. I just feel like I do as much as I should in real life. I know when I am dreaming because last night I did that thing when you know you goingto wake up and the dream was goingto be over but I fought it and I kept dreaming.
It makes me keep pushing for the move to Hawaii in Sept. I hope it all works out and everyone goes!
much love
CJ
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| Memory |
[02 Dec 2007|12:41am] |
Hey long time
So I wentto the neurologist about my memory...Turns out that I am losing my memory...I have to get an MRI to see what's going on with me...Growing up I aways had memory problems but when you are told something and you forget it literally 10 seconds later it's pretty bad...
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| hey now... |
[07 May 2007|03:15pm] |
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If the girl you have been dating for a month tells you, "I really like you I just don't want to hurt you." How are you supposed you take that?
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| John Cusack and myself ( My Life in a couple of Paragrpahs) |
[17 Jan 2007|11:52pm] |
Hey who ever actuals still reads Livejournal...
I have been really depressed these past fews days and I found myself realizing, It's all John Cusack's fault. If he didn't go through that stupid stage of finding out why every relationship failed I wouldn't be in this mess heh!
I started getting depressed when I found out this Nicole got pregnant. I started thinking it was my fault (not getting her pregnant). My parents got back together about 5 years ago. Before then when I was like in 6th grade till 7th my mom was going out with this guy Andy. He had a daughter who was best friends with "Nicole" who this is all about. I loved this girl. Even though we were really young I felt cool and good when we had those times making out. Especially at the cabin. I know your going to tell me that it was forever ago and things never would of worked out. Well I'm just a bitch and think this way. I should of went to see her when I got my license two years ago and maybe just maybe something would of happened. But I didn't because High School was one of the most depressing parts of my life.
I guess I'm not exactly going through what John Cusack did but I feel that I messed with every body's feeling I have ever been with. I think since 1st grade up in till the end of 7th grade, I was considered the shit. I was popular had all the friends and could of had most girls. In those times out of all the girls I have been with (can't even count) I pretty much ended up having them hate me. Even through High school When I was a sophomore I could of stayed with Kayleen and would of ended up staying with her. I actually really liked and still do. I have a problem with finding problems with everyone and ending up not liking them. Maybe that's why Kayleen told me I pretty much go out with anyone. I just feel like I am a complete loser. Speaking of that, I became a complete loser in 8th grade. I stop hanging with all my friends because they were changing and becoming gangsters when they were skaters? Seriously what happened. They all did, all the popular kids and I still wanted to listen to classic rock and such. So I became the kid I always made fun of.
Since elementary school I picked on all the loser since I was the cool popular kid. Karma kicked me in the ass. 8th grade happened and I was the kid people through stuff at and was called a loser. One of the hottest girls in the school Amanda N. which I went out with started making fun of me too. Everyone all of a sudden hated me(the popular kids). Then I started hanging with the rockers.
High school came and I became I complete anti social. IT didn't start off that way. I went out with another hotty Heather but she broke it off and then that's when it started happening. My grades which pretty much failing and I must of got kicked out of my house several times. I hated my life. I was still an asshole. But I did meet the best people in the whole world. My friends now. Josh Brian Tom Erica Will Toni Mike and MOMMA LEZ and whoever I forgot sorry I just have thoughts coming and I need to type.
Also I wish I didn't treat my mom like crap my whole life. She treats me well and gives me everything and she works her ass off to do it.
I just wish I could rewind time and change everything I didn't do right. But I don't want to relive it. As much as I want to see Nicole again. Karma fucked me over a bit too far. This stupid disease I have Neurofibromatosis sucks ass. If you want to know pain live my life. I know I don't have it as bad as most, but I just want to have fun and not spend 5 minutes trying to put my socks on. See it's funny because no one knows anything about me. They think I'm an asshole but they have no idea how to live a life with such a shitty condition.
I mean I am happy, I have pretty much what I want, it's just I wish I had more. I wish I could make lots of money so my mom didn't have to work so hard. So my sisters could be happy. iunno...
well im done...my life in a couple of paragraphs...
CJ
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| hey now... |
[16 Oct 2006|10:25pm] |
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I cant even have a get-together with my friends anymore
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| hgey now.,.. |
[18 Jun 2006|12:58am] |
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So here's whats going on in my life
1a) Let's start off with me. I have found out that my disease is getting worse. There is a tumor on my nerve on my neck that is pushing on it, and if it keeps pushing it I could become parlized. so where seeing if it is growing to determine when the best time to take it out if they can...(that was the philly nurologist)
1b) The secound doctor is giving me these pills called Gabentin which I am abusing the shit out of. for one the pain and two because I want to forget about all the shit I am going through. I know their are people far off then me so that is why Im trying not trying to make a big deal of it...
1c)I dont know if I should be scared of what my futre holds with this shit going on, I am living my life to the best that I can right now...Im not gonna sulk about what is going on...Im not gonna bum out just because I was born with the fuck up shit...good thing I dont believe in god because I would be pretty pissed that he would let someone go through this much pain.ok thats enough of this...
2)so I started hanging with this band NASCENCE...I love these guys and I love thier music.its origanl and its not like the ame old emo scremo hardcore(lol hardcore what posers its not even hardcore)...but anyway...I love partying with them and there all good people...even though I really like this one girl but she doesnt wanbt a relationship...whatever same old I get screwed over...
So for now I just gonna live my life towhatever I cxan to have a good time...Study hard to become nurse so if I get fuck over in my futre I still can rely on have an education i nursing...
well peace for now
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| hey now... |
[05 May 2006|11:16pm] |
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Let's see...my disease is getting worse...I cant get the money to finish skydiving cause of money(the only thing I thought I was gonna keep in my life/actually finishing, worth wild) my two best friends are gonna end up never talking to each other cause they cant work things out...I lost $80 tonight...so Im gonna just smoke tonight and feel nothing for awhile...
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| hey now... |
[12 Apr 2006|06:01pm] |
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mood |
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gee did I feel like the biggest ass/creep...cold as hell...like I wanted to crawl into alittle hole...
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| hey now... |
[09 Apr 2006|09:45pm] |
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music |
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Fort Minor - Where'd You go //// Sublime - Badfish |
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so yeah...today I realized how much I'm worthless...It's not I don't have good friends and family, it's the fact that I'm not worth any one's time...I just fuck everything up no matter what I do...I realized that today thanks to someone pointing it out even though Im sure they had no idea...so yeah...I wish I could just leave now...
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| hey now... |
[05 Apr 2006|09:57am] |
What the hell is up with New Jersey...It was just snowing out, like a storm (in April...) 30 minutes later It's Sunny? I'm Confused...I need to move to Florida
peace
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| hey now... |
[28 Mar 2006|06:50pm] |
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so my dad called me from work to ask about hat happened at the neurologist..He did the fatherly thing and told me not to worry about it and heh I wasn't dieing...haha...but yeah...Im not too worried...probably might have to get surgery...later
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